| NOT ABOUT TEACHING, BUT BEING A TEACHERWhen I look back on this year, I have so many mixed feelings. Partly I feel triumphic - I made it! I did it! Partly I feel guilty - we didn't meet our goals. Partly I feel stressed - remembering the busyness and the worry. Mostly, at this point, though, I feel proud. Proud that I worked hard at something that was worth working at, proud that I can see the changes and the growth so palpably. Proud that now I know I am a teacher - I can walk in any classroom and I can get it together and I can teach. But with that comes the reality that, well, I'm a teacher, and all the work I did, that was worth doing, has changed me... and I'm not sure if I like it or not. Parts of my personality have become more pronounced, while some have slid into the background. There are a million stereotypes about elementary school teachers, and I can see myself moving to fulfill them. It's hard. All these positive skills that I needed to develop for my classroom are temptations in the rest of my life. I know how to get people's attention, fast. I know how to take charge and make final decisions. I know how to reprimand and chastise. I know how to dismiss people's distracting objections. I know how to redirect what people are doing towards more productive things. But I know how to do these things when I am the teacher and I am dealing with nine-year-old children. The way one acts towards one's nine-year-old students ought to be significantly different compared to how one interacts with peers. It's disrespectful for me to use those skills with my friends. But when a decision needs to get made, well... I know how to do it, finally and completely. And the knowledge lurks under my mind, tempting me to use it. I'm much more confident with children, now, with leading and managing. But I'm less confident with my peers - because I'm always on edge. Am I talking too much? Too little? Am I being bossy? Dismissive? Selfish? Helpful? Arrogant? Interfering? Am I giving annoying advice? Do people want a decision made? Should someone else be making it? Am I boring them? Am I helping? Am I bothering my friends? I spent so much time developing the sense that whatever I decide, it is the decision that flies, that I think I've lost some of my acumen in determining how to react in a group of my peers. Feeling stressed out and worried about my personal, not professional life is... interesting. Frustrating, but nice, because at least it shows, hey! I have a personal life. Triumphic! |
